Saturday, May 2, 2009

Well, I haven't climbed in almost three weeks. But I don't want anyone to count me out at this point because I've been thinking that maybe the training I have been doing will actually pay off. Big time. If you're serious about training for this season -- and only if you're really f***ing serious -- this regimen may just be the key to success.
1) Get a fever. The hotter the better. Let your body burn the excess negativity out of every little cell in your body.
2) Diarrhea. It's not pretty, but if you can sustain it for a good four days or so I guarantee you will lose all excess water weight that is chaining you to the ground, like some sort of pathetic gravity slave. If you can sustain this without seizing up and dying, excellent. You're already pretty strong. Diarrhea will give you the extra edge you need.
3) Shake. Wear 2-3 layers of warm clothes, lay in bed under at least one down comforter, and if possible get a warm body to spoon you. Commence to tremble as if you are the last dry autumn leaf clinging to the branch as the first winter winds begin to rage. The more layers the better, as you will have extra weight to contend with. This will cause significant gains in strength.
4) Don't listen to the news, your friends, or doctors. They are naysayers. Swine flu is not a significant threat. That is NOT what you have.

So there you have it. My new regimen. I just completed it and I've got to say I'm feeling top-notch and ready to hit the crags. In fact, I'm going to Yosemite next weekend to put it to the test. How could it go wrong?